What one man thinks is a turn on. another may be turned off. Everyone has reservations about something in life. This lifestyle is no different. Some men are even turned off by the thought of a vibrator. Vanilla - or not. Just like any topic. You may scare him. you may not. BDSM is not all about sex. there so much more to it. Help him understand, help him to learn, help him to grow. It's gonna take work, but start slow. Which brings me to my next thought.

SLOW STEPS. VERY SLOW. BABY STEPS!

You just don't wake up one morning and say "Hmmm! maybe I'll run the Boston Marathon today. " You gotta work your way up there, yanno what I mean?

I started slooooow. very slooooooooow. Baby steps. First. Thigh Highs & fuck me pumps. Then work into some seductive lingerie. Then different positions or different places. Then vibrators & dildos. Then other toys, like a flogger or clothes pins.

It took me close to one year before I introduced "The Flogger. " It took another 6 months before I said during love making, when we got really, hot & heavy into it. I seductively whispered "smack my ass. yeah baby." Gave it a few moments. "smack my ass harder baby. Mmmmm. " He was turned on. Another time I would say "Mmmm. pull my hair, baby!" Some other suggestions, "Ooo, baby. You are so strong. Hold my wrists downs. " "Yeah! Dominate Me! Restrain Me!" It took almost another year before I said anything about a body piercing & then for my 36th birthday, I treated myself & got my clit pierced (behind his back. ) He didn't like it. It got in his way. Dahum I love it. So, as soon as I could, I got a hoop. much better! Then, for my 37th birthday, I treated myself to my tongue piercing. Once again, he don't like it. Dahum I love it! But I take it out when we are together. (Like I said. Not all men are created equal. But I got off the subject. Talking about Baby steps. )

We've been together for three years, and just last month we tried clothes pins. OMG! I need to get me some clamps! (Maybe for my 38th birthday.) I'm still on baby steps. but before you know it. Boston Marathon.

One of the first things I did was talk about each other's fantasies. I got a feel for his thoughts (other than the normal male fantasy of a threesome. ) I'd say come on. give me something to work with here. Then, one night I rented the movie "9 1/2 weeks" (Mmmmm! The refrigerator scene!) I made the suggestion like "I would love to try that. That's one of my fantasies. Blindfold me!" He was turned on. (My refrigerator scene happened last summer. almost 3 years later -- ! Talk about baby steps, huh?)

NOTHING IS CONSIDERED NORMAL! FORGET NORMAL!

I don't remember who made the comment of "I Dream of Jeannie." but that is an excellent example. "I Dream of Jeannie" was not normal. But I loved it. still do! (Come On! You all do too)

Anyway, I made the comment one nite when we were watching Nick@Nite & said "Mmmm. Wouldn't you like to have a Jeannie? Someone at your beckon call & makes all your wishes come true? Even if they don't work out as planned? Someone who worships you? Someone who'd do everything in her power to please you. and like doing it? Greet you respectfully at the door and bow down! And even if she don't want to do it. she still does it, just to please her Master. Yanno, baby. I'm alot like that. I think of you as 'My Master.' Once again, he was turned on by that. the rest is history.

Trust me. my lover is vanilla, but I think of him as "vanilla-spice" because he enjoys certain aspects of the lifestyle. I'm breaking him in slowly without him even thinking that we are "Virgin BDSM'ers. " He loves the worship. especially cock/pussy-worship. He loves the clothes & the way I allow him to take control. He has many BDSM thoughts & fantasies. ALL fantasies are NOT normal. But then again. FORGET NORMAL. He considers it "kinky". and. kinky is good! Honestly, he could think whatever he wants. whatever works for me. There's nothing normal about kink. Some vanilla men (and women for that matter) consider "Kink is safe & sane. And will consent to that. " After all, Safe - Sane - and Consent is key in this lifestyle just like any other!

VARIETY! AND THE THOUGHT OF TRYING SOMETHING "NEW"

I think sex is alot like a going out to dinner. One day you feel like McDonalds. another day, Burger King. another day, Chinese. another day, Italian. and then one day, a fancy restaurant. The kinda restaurant where you need to get "all dressed up. " Gotta keep the variety going, yanno what I mean? Try something new, daring, erotic!

Think about this. when you go out to dinner, who orders your meal? You do, right? Who orders his meal? He does, right? That's because you know what you like. Your lover knows what he likes. And maybe you'll try something off of his plate. Maybe he will try something off of your plate. But you can't try it unless it is introduced on the menu! And, just maybe, once in a while, you'll try something new, like ketchup on eggs, or fried squid, or pigs feet, or Cajun chicken. It's what my mother always use to say. and now what I find telling my own kids. "Try it. you might like it? Don't knock it until you try it." (ok. maybe she wasn't talking about sex. And neither am I when I tell that to my kids. But do you see my point?)

So I got my lover to think the same way. Now, he enjoys trying something different, something new. just like trying a new meal. But, adding a little spice to it. almost like "kicking it up a notch!" And yes. there are times when we've tried things & we didn't like it. That's ok. Push it to the side of the dish (like that parsley garnishment) & go on to the item on the dish! (Yanno what I mean?)

BE TRUTHFUL & HONEST, WITHOUT LOSING YOUR SENSE OF TRUST & UNDERSTANDING.

Just like people. this lifestyle is so misunderstood! Try to make him understand your wants and needs. BDSM can be very intimidating & scary. and yet, the best that life has to offer! Nobody said you gotta go into "Full Force" & certainly not with blindfolds on. Let him know it's something that you would like to experience. and you want to experience it with HIM! That you love him & trust him enough to experiment.

Remember. . it's not the destination - - but the journey!